Strange viewpoint from a 50something

Archive for June, 2012

Hello?… Adventure? I’m on my way…

Every time I get behind the wheel of a car, it is a new adventure. Driving is certainly not what it used to be. I have complained many times about the mass of people I now have to share the road with. Used to be I could get out in the middle of the night to find peace and very limited traffic. Not true anymore. Since we have become a 24/7 world there is no relief from the idiots! My job allows me to be on the road at any given time (the air freight business follows no reasonable time table) so I get to experience all driving scenarios.

But this is not a driver rant. This is about the adventure. If you were to set your mind to a different point of view about things… wow, how cool would that be? Well I have been doing just that. I may just be heading to work, but now it’s with a twist! The thing most people don’t realize is you’re not guaranteed the rest of the day. How many folks left for work yesterday and didn’t come home? Some were involved in car accidents, maybe someone had a heart attack, maybe someone fell down some stairs. The thing is you just don’t know. My father didn’t know 28 years ago that he would put his bowling shoes on and die at the lanes. I didn’t know years ago that when I left home in my beautiful new (to me) car, that it would be totaled at a stop light when an idiot ran a red light.

My father never came home…. gone. Just like that. Changed the family dynamic forever.

My beautiful new (to me) car…. gone. Just like that. Temporary but unexpected inconvenience.

I think the most important lesson learned is that life is crazy short!! It changes so drastically in just one second, minute, hour…. ahhhh you get the point… so what am I doing to make the best of it?

Last year when I wrecked my little blue car, I wasn’t hurt (physically anyway). But my psyche has paid dearly. I have thought daily about the end of my life. There are days when I actually wake up thinking… “it might be my last day… how will I live it?” I want to feel it. Whatever the day holds for me, I want to attack it and feel it. Life is truly there to be lived. I want the adventure everyday! 

Every time I get behind the wheel of a car, it really is a new adventure. Whatever mission I happen to be on –  work related, going to the store, the doctor, lunch with a friend – whatever – in the back of my mind the thought floats, “this is the last time you’ll do this, make it count.”  I want to be happy. Doing whatever it is I am doing. I want to let the world know that if it’s my last minute I am good with that. Today I head into the world with a light heart.  My life may change, something might happen out of the ordinary that will set my life on a new course… who knows what my day will hold? No matter what it is… I will roll with it. I will handle it with grace. I may or may not be happy with the ‘whatever’ ~but then, life is best lived in the unexpected.

Well, I am about to embark on my next adventure, get in the car and stick my arm out of the window. I love that roller coaster feel of my arm floating against the wind. Ready to drive myself right into the fun of a new day….

 

Adventure?… You there? Here I come…. what are we up to today??

 

 

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What’s that metallic taste?

In the 45 minutes it took me to drive home… I could have gnawed through 45 miles of barbed wire.

(I stopped there and walked away from writing this. I was so pissed off – that the above statement was all I could type.)

she called and told me she was on her way i was so excited i kept telling other mawmaw oh when she gets here! oh i think i hear her car i see her through the window shes here shes here i scream as i run out the door she scoops me up in her arms hugging me hard and kissing my hair! gramma youre so silly i tell her

 i have something for you gramma i made it myself its a shark its for your friger ater she is taking me to the pet shop and we are going to ask if i can hold a hamster i like hamsters when i said i wanted to go there gramma said yes and then she said we could go to dairy queen after that! oh gramma.. i like the way you think i tell her she reaches over and tells me she loves me gramma wasnt it fun when i got to hold the guinea pig? no i dont put sauce on my chicken fingers gramma i only sprinkle salt on them the ice cream is meltin down my arm gramma is drivin me back to other mawmaw my momma called and was mad and gramma was mad and now i am ridin with other mawmaw and i sit in the back of this car drivin away from gramma.. did i do something wrong

I am at a loss. I should be the bigger person. I cannot. I have had it up to my eyeballs with stupid shit from this child’s mother. Her inability to grasp on to real life is mind numbing. Her mind exists wholly in “the now” what needs need to be met NOW! Someone should have kicked her ass when she was a kid, but they didn’t. Collectively they raised one of the most hateful, most disrespectful kids I have ever come across. She turned 16 and a few months later gave birth to her firstborn. This makes her 24 now, and no more grown up than when I first met her.

Help me. Please. How do I get around this mess of a girl to show the little one that all is not the chaos that she lives in? She’s only 7

I need to get a drink… there’s a funny taste in my mouth.

love is such a crazy thing…

the boundaries that we will cross for it…

the things we will do for it…

we try so hard to achieve it…

 

I have several friends that are in emotional turmoil. Some who are coming to terms with unsatisfying relationships. Others who will do anything to hold on to something that just isn’t there anymore. I see all of them questioning their every move, every thought, every action. I want to scream – sometimes it’s not about you!  When a partnership fails the first thing we do is find fault with ourselves. Why? Maybe it was the other persons issue, maybe it was just bad timing, maybe the stars weren’t aligned right… who the hell knows? But one thing for sure is we spend so much time in self analyzation that we don’t see that there may have been another side to it.

Acceptance is the key word. Acceptance of ourselves and who we really are, or acceptance of the other party and their baggage.

When I met Del, we were both in such fallen places. Disillusioned. Whooped. I had come out of a 10 year relationship with a man who drank heavily. I married him anyway. Twice. I tried to live a life that didn’t fit me. I tried to be someone I am not. Love be damned. I wasn’t going to take it anymore. On my own nearly a year, I came to understand who and what I am. I am flawed. I grow older. Del was in his own place dealing with a woman who he was considering ‘settling’ for. For the most part they got along, but underlying personality glitches made for an uneasy future. He is flawed. He, too, grows older.

First time I’ve ever been so honest at the beginning of a friendship. We just layed it all out. Our beliefs, our downfalls, our strengths, our insecurities. What did we have to lose? We talked about what we’ve had, what we have and what we want.  We talked about our pasts and our futures. I felt many things at once.. relief, embarrassment, pride, shame, but mostly (and most importantly) I felt acceptance and love.

Don’t misunderstand. We still have issues. But for the very first time, in any relationship I’ve been in, I have complete confidence that he and I will overcome anything that comes our way. I’ve never experienced that before. I think that comes from knowing that there is nothing I have to hide. Nothing I have to explain later. He knows me. He accepts me. Finally. No games. No bullshit. I truly hope that Del is as secure in this as I am. I know him. I accept him as he is. He is a mess. But then so am I.

I said not long after we met that neither of us is perfect, but we are perfectly matched. And so it goes… love is such a crazy thing…

 

 

 

I get it.

I went on a road trip to St Louis recently. I rode with my Alabama Bestie who was going to a family get together. Her dads family is from the area. Her husband happen to mention it one night and of course I blurted out… ‘Can I go???” I looked forward to this trip for multiple reasons.. the main being I would get to see my Mom. As her health is failing any opportunity to get to St Louis is top priority!! Getting to spend time with my friend was another benefit!
The only thing I had issues with was all those miles and I didn’t drive. Oh… that was sooooo haaarrrrd… but! She can drive too! (Yay!!) The ride was mostly uneventful and as I rode along the same route I take when I am at the wheel, I saw things I don’t normally notice. Little things, seen flying by through the windows. Eyes focused on the art of driving and these wonders go unseen.
As she drove and I rode, I was able to spy on all the other drivers. And I did me some looking! When I am driving the only thing I notice about those who are out on the roads are what vehicles they drive. I still pride myself on recognizing most makes and models of cars. I don’t notice the occupants much (unless they have just acted a fool which requires me to visually voice my opinion on their stupidity! I do make it a point to initiate eye contact to be sure my ‘voice’ was heard).
I saw people of every race, sex and age. I saw people sitting solitarily or mini vans stuffed to the gills with kids, animals and general stuff. As I looked into a split second of their worlds, it’s the people that caught my interest. And as I am a girl, I really looked at the men. How funny, just glancing for what?, a few seconds at the most?, I can decide whether he would be my type. Young, old, bald, hairy, big, small, light, dark… oh my gosh… if they look good… I like them all!! But I find I am drawn to a certain age group. Between 15 to 20 years younger than where I am. That’s not a bad gap (…. well unless I was 30, then that would be creepy…)
It occurred to me that I was man-watching in the age group I most identify with. Even though I grow older physically, I have rested my mind in my late 30’s early 40’s. I truly believe that your mind stays young – always. So as I had this thought, I suddenly realized that the syndrome of the older man younger woman is just him reflecting his inner age.

What an epiphany!!

All the years I spent thinking of these dirty old men running around with young girls… ewww so nasty! Then in recent times more and more older woman running around with young men… ewww……. well.
Sometimes it takes a minute to get stuff. I found myself peering into all these lives as we flew past on the way to our destination, and I finally got it. It isn’t at all what I envisioned it being. I understand. You do not intentionally go hunting someone younger. Our outsides become older. But not the insides. In the mind we remain our younger selves. The calendar that hangs on my wall says I will be 55 on my next birthday… but my mind does not follow that calendar. My mind doesn’t follow any calendar. My mind is still at the beginning. As I learn more things I become more knowledgeable – yes – but that doesn’t make me old!! So because I think as a young woman I forget the calendar and the age of my body. I think with the young mind that I still possess. I find myself more attracted to those who still have a love for life and the daring to live it.
I told my Mom about having these thoughts and she really floored me when she explained similar feelings. At 77 her body is in it’s last days.. but her mind is still sharp as a tack. She told me she also doesn’t “think” her age. I had to ask, “what’s your thinking age”? She replied… “in my 50’s”!! How strange!!
And so because of becoming enlightened to my current state of mind, my only thought is… I never wanna grow up!

My New Home

I have been encouraged recently to embrace my blogging world. So I find myself moving to a new blog address. Welcome. My new site is currently a work in progress, so please be patient. In the meantime I am going to repost my last blog from my original home and begin anew here. Thanks for following!