Strange viewpoint from a 50something

Posts tagged ‘changes’

Momma…

She’s gone.

I don’t know that I have processed it fully. My brother called me this morning to let me know she died in her sleep. I was not prepared for the news. My greatest fear has now been realized. I will not see her again in this life. My heart is heavy, those feelings of love and hurt are so thick.

After about a hundred phones calls and 3/4 box of tissues, it has been decided I will return to St Louis tomorrow. My sister is due to fly in Thursday. There’s not much else for us to do at this point, except be together. My Mom’s wishes were very clear and easy. She did it that way for us. So, we will get together as siblings and we will cry and we will remember and we will cry some more. Our time there will be limited so the task of taking care of her things… ugh… I can’t even fathom. But it has to be done. And by us. Together. Just like she wanted.

I looked at myself in the mirror a while ago.. the older me on the outside shows the signs of hours of crying with puffy eyes and a pink tissue abused nose. And deep in my eyes… I saw my little-girl self looking back asking, “what’m I gonna do now?”

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Hello?… Adventure? I’m on my way…

Every time I get behind the wheel of a car, it is a new adventure. Driving is certainly not what it used to be. I have complained many times about the mass of people I now have to share the road with. Used to be I could get out in the middle of the night to find peace and very limited traffic. Not true anymore. Since we have become a 24/7 world there is no relief from the idiots! My job allows me to be on the road at any given time (the air freight business follows no reasonable time table) so I get to experience all driving scenarios.

But this is not a driver rant. This is about the adventure. If you were to set your mind to a different point of view about things… wow, how cool would that be? Well I have been doing just that. I may just be heading to work, but now it’s with a twist! The thing most people don’t realize is you’re not guaranteed the rest of the day. How many folks left for work yesterday and didn’t come home? Some were involved in car accidents, maybe someone had a heart attack, maybe someone fell down some stairs. The thing is you just don’t know. My father didn’t know 28 years ago that he would put his bowling shoes on and die at the lanes. I didn’t know years ago that when I left home in my beautiful new (to me) car, that it would be totaled at a stop light when an idiot ran a red light.

My father never came home…. gone. Just like that. Changed the family dynamic forever.

My beautiful new (to me) car…. gone. Just like that. Temporary but unexpected inconvenience.

I think the most important lesson learned is that life is crazy short!! It changes so drastically in just one second, minute, hour…. ahhhh you get the point… so what am I doing to make the best of it?

Last year when I wrecked my little blue car, I wasn’t hurt (physically anyway). But my psyche has paid dearly. I have thought daily about the end of my life. There are days when I actually wake up thinking… “it might be my last day… how will I live it?” I want to feel it. Whatever the day holds for me, I want to attack it and feel it. Life is truly there to be lived. I want the adventure everyday! 

Every time I get behind the wheel of a car, it really is a new adventure. Whatever mission I happen to be on –  work related, going to the store, the doctor, lunch with a friend – whatever – in the back of my mind the thought floats, “this is the last time you’ll do this, make it count.”  I want to be happy. Doing whatever it is I am doing. I want to let the world know that if it’s my last minute I am good with that. Today I head into the world with a light heart.  My life may change, something might happen out of the ordinary that will set my life on a new course… who knows what my day will hold? No matter what it is… I will roll with it. I will handle it with grace. I may or may not be happy with the ‘whatever’ ~but then, life is best lived in the unexpected.

Well, I am about to embark on my next adventure, get in the car and stick my arm out of the window. I love that roller coaster feel of my arm floating against the wind. Ready to drive myself right into the fun of a new day….

 

Adventure?… You there? Here I come…. what are we up to today??