Strange viewpoint from a 50something

Posts tagged ‘growing up’

No matter how old… always my baby

Kyle did not come into the world in the usual way… in fact, he didn’t want to come at all. He breeched and a C-section happened. When his doctor reached in to retrieve him, he slipped from her grip! A laughing gasp and I heard her little foreign voice… “oops! trying to get away??” She dove back in and grasped him tightly and gave a good yank! And that is how he made his entrance!!

kyle 2

This little guy, all blonde curls and green/grey eyes, became my little protector from the word go! It came into true play when he was about seven or so. I had been “almost mugged” one night at the grocery store. A man approached me with a gun and demanded my car keys!!?! It didn’t work out for the mugger and I was told by countless people how lucky I was. I didn’t realize the impact of this act of crime on those around me until a few days later I had said I wanted to go out to the store. My little guy said that he wanted to go with me wherever I went because he had learned in school that muggers don’t attack women with children!! I will never forget the look of love on his face, and his intent to save me!!

kyle 3

On this day, 30 years ago, my son was born. He has since become a man who has faced many obstacles in his life. Over the years there have been many good memories and some not so good. That’s what happens when you live life. I am very proud of the man he is becoming. And that little boy love I felt all those years ago, I see again in his grown man eyes.

 

kyle 4

Happy Birthday Squirt! I love you!

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Momma…

She’s gone.

I don’t know that I have processed it fully. My brother called me this morning to let me know she died in her sleep. I was not prepared for the news. My greatest fear has now been realized. I will not see her again in this life. My heart is heavy, those feelings of love and hurt are so thick.

After about a hundred phones calls and 3/4 box of tissues, it has been decided I will return to St Louis tomorrow. My sister is due to fly in Thursday. There’s not much else for us to do at this point, except be together. My Mom’s wishes were very clear and easy. She did it that way for us. So, we will get together as siblings and we will cry and we will remember and we will cry some more. Our time there will be limited so the task of taking care of her things… ugh… I can’t even fathom. But it has to be done. And by us. Together. Just like she wanted.

I looked at myself in the mirror a while ago.. the older me on the outside shows the signs of hours of crying with puffy eyes and a pink tissue abused nose. And deep in my eyes… I saw my little-girl self looking back asking, “what’m I gonna do now?”

Open letter to my baby.

Dear Son of mine,

To say I am angry would be an understatement. To be honest I really don’t know who I am more angry with.. you or me. You see I am the one who raised you. I am the one who taught you respect and values. Today it seems I have failed. But the blame is not all mine, is it?

How dare you talk to me the way you did. How dare you make such hurtful remarks to me because you didn’t get the help you were calling for. If your life is a mess, why am I at fault? You are a 26 year old man who’s been making his own decisions for a long time now. But you call and cry to me about how things are so bad, you are hungry and you’ve been in bed for a week, and you even talk about taking your own life! (What Mother wants to hear her child say that???) Today you told me that I don’t help you but I help your sister. Today you told me that you didn’t care if you were hurting my feelings, because you are my son I should drop everything and rescue you… “if Bry called and needed something I would….” When I reminded you of a time where I helped you out (just recently, in fact!) and I still haven’t received all payback, you said… “really Mom? I am the kid… I am in trouble, you are suppose to help me….” You played the guilt card?? On ME?? Right now you are so full of your own self loathing shit that you forgot who I am. I was where you are many times, for many different reasons. But I did it with 2 kids in tow. I wasn’t the greatest parent.. but you kids didn’t go without anything.. food, clothes, roof over your head. We didn’t have alot because I didn’t know how to budget or save or be smart. I made alot of bad choices and we just didn’t have much. I had so much debt, I had so little money. I did alot of crying. I did alot of whining about the place I was at. But I didn’t lay around… I worked harder. Got an extra job. Did what was needed.

I know I made many mistakes raising you, but the basics were there. That all went out the window when you didn’t stand up for me to that nightmare wife of yours and tell her “don’t talk to my Momma like that”. And since you didn’t, 8 years later now you talk to me like that. Learned behavior. Begging for help and then using any means to get what you need… that is a Felicia move.. and you have it down pat. As you know I don’t take it from her… and I will not take it from you either. You want to blame all your problems on me… go ahead. You want to lash out and be ugly to me… go ahead. You want to go around being pissed off at me… go ahead. Will I forgive you? Yes… at some point. Not without this written reminder.

I have taught both you and your sister that you can do, or be, or acquire anything in this life that you want. The choice is yours. I love you dearly my son… but grow the fuck up.

I know it’s a part of life, but..

Ironic that it’s raining as I write today. Dreary and dank… exactly how I feel on the inside. My Mom is in the hospital in St Louis and I am here in Alabama. I just returned from St Louis last Monday and she was admitted on Wednesday. It’s bad. I am squirming like a little kid. Restless and listless. Mind is reaching back for another time while it’s also racing forward into the future of unknowns.

She has to wear a breathing mask 24/7. Communication with her is difficult in person, so I haven’t spoken to her directly. I am not doing so well with all this. Most of me wants to drop everything and drive back to be close to her. My job and a lack of funds keep me here until it is a necessity that I be there. Both my siblings are there currently, but my sister returns to her home tomorrow… so that leaves my brother to shoulder most of the stress.

For all the preparation you might do for this..  enevitable… YOU WILL NEVER BE READY!! Heart is heavy with those thoughts of being without her. Most days spent in a kidlike denial that everything’s gonna be ok. The sibs and I have had a few discussions in the last couple days that we have never talked about before –  not to each other, all together, at one time. So this it is becoming real.

I do know the last 5 visits to see her, the decline has been visible to the eye, she struggled more just moving around. Each drive home spent thinking, was this the last time I will see her? Now, she is not in danger of dying right away, but what is happening is not good. I am going to have to grow up and deal with this event without falling apart. My most independent Momma will likely NOT be able to live her life at home alone. She will be very angry when she understands this fact. I, along with the sibs, will have to make very uncomfortable decisions.

I love her. Damn this sucks.