Strange viewpoint from a 50something

Ironic that it’s raining as I write today. Dreary and dank… exactly how I feel on the inside. My Mom is in the hospital in St Louis and I am here in Alabama. I just returned from St Louis last Monday and she was admitted on Wednesday. It’s bad. I am squirming like a little kid. Restless and listless. Mind is reaching back for another time while it’s also racing forward into the future of unknowns.

She has to wear a breathing mask 24/7. Communication with her is difficult in person, so I haven’t spoken to her directly. I am not doing so well with all this. Most of me wants to drop everything and drive back to be close to her. My job and a lack of funds keep me here until it is a necessity that I be there. Both my siblings are there currently, but my sister returns to her home tomorrow… so that leaves my brother to shoulder most of the stress.

For all the preparation you might do for this..  enevitable… YOU WILL NEVER BE READY!! Heart is heavy with those thoughts of being without her. Most days spent in a kidlike denial that everything’s gonna be ok. The sibs and I have had a few discussions in the last couple days that we have never talked about before –  not to each other, all together, at one time. So this it is becoming real.

I do know the last 5 visits to see her, the decline has been visible to the eye, she struggled more just moving around. Each drive home spent thinking, was this the last time I will see her? Now, she is not in danger of dying right away, but what is happening is not good. I am going to have to grow up and deal with this event without falling apart. My most independent Momma will likely NOT be able to live her life at home alone. She will be very angry when she understands this fact. I, along with the sibs, will have to make very uncomfortable decisions.

I love her. Damn this sucks.

 

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Comments on: "I know it’s a part of life, but.." (4)

  1. A Dog With Fleas said:

    I am sorry to hear about your mother and hope you all can get through this together. So good you have each other to lean on.

    • Thanks for the good thoughts. This is an avenue I’ve not traveled, the care of an elderly and ill parent. I will need all I can get. She was my rock, and I will have to accept the change.

  2. I’m sorry to hear all this honey. My mother is everything to me as well, and I won’t even try to throw words at it to make it seem better. Just that I’m here, my shoulders are growing wider day by day, so if you need a friend…yell.

  3. Chris, you and your mom are in my prayers for God to give you both comfort & strength for whatever tomorrow brings. I am only 90 minutes from St. Louis …so if you need me, I can get there.If you need a place in the country to just chill out for awhile…the door is open. Love you

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