Strange viewpoint from a 50something

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No matter how old… always my baby

Kyle did not come into the world in the usual way… in fact, he didn’t want to come at all. He breeched and a C-section happened. When his doctor reached in to retrieve him, he slipped from her grip! A laughing gasp and I heard her little foreign voice… “oops! trying to get away??” She dove back in and grasped him tightly and gave a good yank! And that is how he made his entrance!!

kyle 2

This little guy, all blonde curls and green/grey eyes, became my little protector from the word go! It came into true play when he was about seven or so. I had been “almost mugged” one night at the grocery store. A man approached me with a gun and demanded my car keys!!?! It didn’t work out for the mugger and I was told by countless people how lucky I was. I didn’t realize the impact of this act of crime on those around me until a few days later I had said I wanted to go out to the store. My little guy said that he wanted to go with me wherever I went because he had learned in school that muggers don’t attack women with children!! I will never forget the look of love on his face, and his intent to save me!!

kyle 3

On this day, 30 years ago, my son was born. He has since become a man who has faced many obstacles in his life. Over the years there have been many good memories and some not so good. That’s what happens when you live life. I am very proud of the man he is becoming. And that little boy love I felt all those years ago, I see again in his grown man eyes.

 

kyle 4

Happy Birthday Squirt! I love you!

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If only she could answer…

Hello?

Hi ya Ma,

Hi Sweetie,

I miss you! How is it there?

It’s wonderful! I’m with your Dad, he looks so good!! =]

You doing ok?

Oh yes! I’m off the oxygen and I can breathe again! I’ve even lost some weight!

That’s great Ma..

Dad and I have been doing a lot of dancing since I’ve been here…

I’m so happy for you.. you got a few minutes to talk?

 

 

3 years since I’ve heard her voice. I’ve dialed her number countless times. As it rings, I imagine words that will be said. All the things I want to tell her, those small victories to have her cheer about.. all the hurts I want to cry to her about.. all the love I felt no matter what I did or said.. all those encouraging words to lead me in the right direction..

If only she could answer..

 

 

 

 

 

Reunited and it feels so good!

For seven solid days I have enjoyed the company of a very dear friend. I have missed her tremendously. Back together. My little blue baby! =] She’s baaaaccck!! (Thank you Dee!!) Just like a favorite sweater, I slid into the driver seat and I was instantly comforted. Driving her out of his driveway…. a 45 minute drive home and I am in love all over again. Not only did she get her driving groove back, but my sweet friend also rewired her stereo system and my little baby RoCkS!! The rumble in my tail from the vibrating subs ~ only a few will know to what I am referring.

Yes. She is a little worse for wear. But so am I. She is flawed and scarred. Just like me. Getting her back is different this time. Shes in need of a little pampering… so, I bought her some new tires. I found a new (to me) set of wheels to put on her, picked them up today even! I am excited!! The anticipation of getting her back to a glory state, thrills me so!!

I am glad the timing of her returning to my life is right now. I am walking a little taller. I am much happier. (Not having to climb in and out of that awful hoopty I’ve had the blessing to drive for the last 6 months, has made such a difference in my disposition!! ) To feel like my old self. To be my old self. Yes. The timing couldn’t be better.. I just feel incredible!!

As I write this, I feel the nervous excitement building in me, as tomorrow I begin the long awaited LoadMaster class!! I am wound up tight like a drum, hoping that I can even get some sleep! I don’t know why I feel this way. I should have felt this way about my first attempt at this certificate. But it means more to me this time. One year has passed since I failed the final test. I had passed the first 2 courses… and cocksure I would get the final course. But no. I failed. By two questions. At the time I was crushed.

In the year that has passed since that test day, I have had the opportunity to learn so much that will be beneficial to my passing it this time. I am confident. I am sure. I am feeling good. My “Like a Boss” month is progressing on plan, and almost halfway through! Well dear readers, gotta get a few things together before I hit the sack early. This girl has plans!! =]

Did someone say…. Boss?!

The month of May is mine. No ifs. No ands. No butts. I will OWN it. A very full and promising 31 days. Mine, ALL mine!!

The month of May is mine ~ I do believe this will be the turning ‘month’ in my world! So much going on! So much excitement for me! So much to plan and make happen!! I don’t think I’ve been this alive since the summer before Mom died. I look forward to May because is packed with activities to keep me engaged! I have always worked better under pressure, the more I get on me… the harder my backbone becomes. And so it begins….

The month of May is mine ~ Looks as if I will be getting my little blue baby back in running order! I have missed my car so much. Like a best friend that car has been to me. And she is being repaired as I write this!!! It’s funny, I had to drive it – in broken condition – to the friend’s home who is giving her back her groove! It’s about a 45+ minute drive, and even though she was driving wounded, it was sheer Joy to drive her again! To roll those cranks and make the windows go down!!! To turn on my much missed stereo, plug in my pod and feel my music. This is what I long for and it will happen this month! My goal is to NEVER drive the car I am currently driving – ever again! =]

The month of May is mine ~ My next greatest May event, is another thing I have longed for…. The Load Master class. It is going to happen for ME! I have been accepted into the May class! And for those in the know, I need only to complete the Weights & Balance course because they are giving me the credit for the other 2 courses that I passed last year!! This is a BIG relief for me! So for 9 days I will have my head buried in this and I will succeed! (The 22nd is test day and I ask that you send a big Atta-Girly my way!!! hahaha!!) I have arranged with my 3 jobs to take this time off to devote to the class, and all are complying. (Another brow wipe and a loud “shoooo”!)

The month of May is mine ~ I will be making a better effort to come back to this blog. I have missed writing. I’ve missed you, my dear readers!! I have missed telling a great story. I have missed expressing myself. To be honest, haven’t had much to really share because of the funk I’ve been in since my Mom’s been gone. I really find it difficult, I can write a great blog in my mind, all while I am not at my laptop. More effort from me. Promise to myself.

The month of May is mine ~ And to close out this most busy of months for me… a trip to the Lou!! Yes, this is a fun filled trip as I got the BEST Christmas gift ever!!! My girl, Shelby, has 2 tickets to see Cher, in St Louis and guess who she’s taking???? =D Yes… its MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!! Oh, sorry. A bit excited. Cher was definitely a childhood idol of mine! On top of that, a Cardinal game and lots of time spent with family and friends!!

The month of May is, indeed, mine ~ I do believe that this is just the beginning of things most wonderful! I have a few other great events to look forward down this road called 2014. I am going to own every day of this fantastic year and then everyday after that, for the rest of my life. Yes, this is where I say it~~ I will own it ALL,  ALL I say!!!… LIKE A BOSS!

Whoop! Whoop!

 

I wasn’t even aware at the time.

The more we question our existence and ponder our purpose here on earth – the more we realize we may never know what that one thing is that is our thread in this tapestry of life. Most of us will pro-create. That is the true cycle of human life. But our ‘soul’ existence… it wants more. It wants to be validated. We want to know why??? Why are we here? Why be born only to die?? (That is one BIG burr under my life’s saddle that has plagued me for years…. why be born at all?)

We often placate ourselves with our own theories, make justifications for our actions. As if there is a damn book with a pattern on how to be a woman (man, child, preteen, fill in with your title..). I have bucked the system all my life.. I don’t think there is a thing I’ve ever done that I didn’t tweek the rules, where I didn’t seek change. I truly believed that I just didn’t fit in. As I’ve grown older, I tend to be more grateful that I have lived an off-kilter life. I have done some fabulously wonderful things and I have also done some not so, well… (I admit nothing!) not so nice things. And through all that living I keep coming back to that same old question… why am I here?

I still don’t know the answer to that. But I had a great conversation a few days back that helped me to understand the weaving interaction with people, and the moments that really make a difference.

I am a closet WalMart-aholic! I love these treasure troves of treats! And because I have the craziest of crazy schedules I find myself doing most of my wandering among the aisles in the truly quiet hours… and that is such a plus for me. Ooops… kinda got off subject!!! Because I am a very frequent customer at a couple of our local WalMart’s. I see the same cashiers most of the time. A few months back a friend asked me to pick up a pack of cigarettes for them. I got to the cashier that night and asked for the brand… we looked, she grabbed a couple.  As I debated on which pack to buy for my friend… I mentioned that I had just surpassed 16 years as a non smoker. I remember she said she was really bent on quitting.. she was so tired of the habit. And she asked how I managed. I told her it would be hard.. but that I had a couple helpful hints. First, don’t tell yourself that you just can’t live without them (cigarettes).. remember you were a kid once and you lived without smoking then, so it is entirely possible to live without them now. Think about it differently.  And the other thing is to change your routine. Instead of getting in the car, keys in ignition, hand in purse for cigs, seat belt, light cig.. turn on music… car in motion… instead of that – make it a point to change the habit. So walk up to the car door.. stop… instead walk to the trunk unlock and put purse there. Then get in the car… your mind has been put to the test, think about what you are doing.. now .. keys in ignition, turn music on,,,, car in motion! As we finished the transaction, she said she was going to give it a try. I walked out of the store and never had another thought about that little chat about cigarettes.

A couple nights ago, wandering my way through those long aisles, wasting time until my plane lands…. a felt a tap on my shoulder. And there stood the above mentioned cashier. She said “Excuse me, I thought it was you! I just want to tell you thank you!” I am totally at a loss, and she must have sensed this, but she continued… “I was the cashier one night when you bought cigarettes for your friend. And you told me you were a non smoker. Well I remember what you told me and I have been making it work! I told myself I can do this and I did! I changed my smoking habit times into little games and it made things a little easier. It was hard at first but I did it!” Her words rushed out and her face just beamed.

And then everything went fuzzy….

Tears flooded my eyes… I felt my heart do the Grinch and swell 5 sizes in my chest. I just stood there, feeling all thick but washed in this wonderful feeling of being part of something bigger than myself. At the moment this all took place, I put it off to pleasant shock. But I have had the most…(well I just can’t say it in a word, but whenever I rerun this altercation in my mind I am swept up in the moment again and a..)  wonderous feeling rushes through me. Which brings me back to that wicked burning question… what’s my purpose again?? Well no matter what that purpose is.. I am finding that on the road to that strange “Whatever” that draws me through this world, I – (me!!) -I make a difference in the lives of others. So no matter how I feel about my lot in life… someone, somewhere took something I said or did and those in turn will do the same without my even knowing. Just how many lives have I touched? I don’t know. I do know that I will not stop talking. Because I am very encouraged that my journey of “touching” others is far from over.

One question after another, conclusion.

25 questions concluded….

21. The saddest time that shook your world. The death of my Mom. A year ago this past Sunday. By far, one of the hardest years I’ve endured. I’ve wondered many times why her death has hit me so hard… I’ve lost many other important people in my lifetime. She was my Mom. She was my anchor. It’s true I am older but she always kept me grounded and she inspired me with her spunkyness. She was so many things to me. The void is very huge. And I still hurt.

22. The unfulfilled ambition that still haunts you. Throughout my childhood and into my teens, I was going to be a singer. And back then I could sing. Maybe if I hadn’t felt so insecure I might have taken a different path with it. But at that time, my sorry self-esteem did not go well with my teen years. I did a lot of things I shouldn’t have and ran with the wrong people, trying to find some sort of validation. Eventually delving into the world of drugs and mischief, and I didn’t look back for many, many years. The fact that I came out on the other side of the drug use is a wonder, but I did. And that I am fairly undamaged from the abuse to my body, has me perplexed! Unfortunately, the loss of my innocence and the loss of my voice changed that long ago dream.

23. 23 was actually a question I didn’t like. And because I am so mentally challenged at this time, I can’t even make one up.

24. Describe your funeral. I would like for there to be a gathering, just as we did for my Mom. We called it a Celebration of Life Party. Remembering the good times. Yes, there was a lot of crying. Remembering the good times. There was also much laughter. Remembering the good times. Just the way she wanted it. Always remembering the good times, that is how I want it. Simple as that.

25. The way you want to be remembered. That I helped other people realize just how wonderful it is to have life by the ass. Until that last breath… you’re in charge! No matter what the circumstances being alive is awesome. Keep making those good times. =]

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Dear Reader, I will apologize for the lengthy gaps in between posts. Hit a couple of personal road blocks that I had to figure my way around. The detours were plenty. Living the life, I am. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

One question after another, part 4

25 questions continued…..

To start this post from the beginning, go here…  https://iam2stl.com/2013/10/03/one-question-after-another/

And then, go here…    https://iam2stl.com/2013/10/08/one-question-after-another-part-2/

Then, go here…   https://iam2stl.com/2013/11/07/one-question-after-another-part-3/

16. The misapprehension about yourself that you wish you could erase.  That I got it going on. That I know what I’m doing. I wake up everyday wondering how I might make it through this day. I am pretty resilient for the most part, and I do and say things in the minute that give the impression that I am all together. But I question and worry over everything.

17. The event that altered the course of your life and character.  It would have to be the ‘hair loss’ incident and it’s aftermath. (My self esteem was already taking a beating over the indian ink tattoos I now displayed on my skin.) I knew then that my life would always be ‘against all odds’. And so begins my – don’t judge me, I don’t give a crap – attitude. As a young girl I just wanted to be accepted, and loved. Like everyone else. Not. To. Be. I dared to be different. I wanted to be different. But losing my hair was an extreme I was not prepared for. And at 16, it was one of the worst possible times. I stayed in a mental funk for all those months, wondering and worrying about how I would live the rest of my life… 1/2 bald. Funny but I actually remember the day I noticed the first peach fuzz that was starting to grow!! Oh how happy I was!! You would have thought I won some major lottery or something!!

18. The crime you would commit if you knew you could get away with it. Driving my car as if it were an emergency vehicle. No laws to obey, speeding, weaving through traffic… siren-ing through stops of any kind. Yes I’ve fantasized about this many times!  (I’d like to add that another crime would be murder. The who and why isn’t important. =])

19. What song means the most to you. Itsy Bitsy Spider. I learned it as a kid, and I’ve loved it since! I sang and taught it to both of my kids and their kids too. I’ve sang and taught it to babies of friends and family. For a long time I didn’t understand my draw to this little ditty, but it’s the lesson. It’s ~~ no matter what you face.. it will get better. (So the rain washed him from the spout? No problem… the sun will come out again and dry it all up!) What a simple example.

20. The happiest moment you will cherish forever. Being with my Mom, at the birth of my first grandchild, Spencer. To share this important event with her! I am my Mom’s firstborn child, and we are with Shelby, my firstborn child, who is having her firstborn!! It was awesome… and beautiful… and incredible… and magic… and moving… and heart-swelling… and… and… and just everything wonderful. Mom and I talked many times about this, and she confessed that it was one of the greatest moments of her life. (Afternote… little man Spencer just celebrated his 10th birthday! Man, time is flying!!)