Strange viewpoint from a 50something

Posts tagged ‘living’

I wasn’t even aware at the time.

The more we question our existence and ponder our purpose here on earth – the more we realize we may never know what that one thing is that is our thread in this tapestry of life. Most of us will pro-create. That is the true cycle of human life. But our ‘soul’ existence… it wants more. It wants to be validated. We want to know why??? Why are we here? Why be born only to die?? (That is one BIG burr under my life’s saddle that has plagued me for years…. why be born at all?)

We often placate ourselves with our own theories, make justifications for our actions. As if there is a damn book with a pattern on how to be a woman (man, child, preteen, fill in with your title..). I have bucked the system all my life.. I don’t think there is a thing I’ve ever done that I didn’t tweek the rules, where I didn’t seek change. I truly believed that I just didn’t fit in. As I’ve grown older, I tend to be more grateful that I have lived an off-kilter life. I have done some fabulously wonderful things and I have also done some not so, well… (I admit nothing!) not so nice things. And through all that living I keep coming back to that same old question… why am I here?

I still don’t know the answer to that. But I had a great conversation a few days back that helped me to understand the weaving interaction with people, and the moments that really make a difference.

I am a closet WalMart-aholic! I love these treasure troves of treats! And because I have the craziest of crazy schedules I find myself doing most of my wandering among the aisles in the truly quiet hours… and that is such a plus for me. Ooops… kinda got off subject!!! Because I am a very frequent customer at a couple of our local WalMart’s. I see the same cashiers most of the time. A few months back a friend asked me to pick up a pack of cigarettes for them. I got to the cashier that night and asked for the brand… we looked, she grabbed a couple.  As I debated on which pack to buy for my friend… I mentioned that I had just surpassed 16 years as a non smoker. I remember she said she was really bent on quitting.. she was so tired of the habit. And she asked how I managed. I told her it would be hard.. but that I had a couple helpful hints. First, don’t tell yourself that you just can’t live without them (cigarettes).. remember you were a kid once and you lived without smoking then, so it is entirely possible to live without them now. Think about it differently.  And the other thing is to change your routine. Instead of getting in the car, keys in ignition, hand in purse for cigs, seat belt, light cig.. turn on music… car in motion… instead of that – make it a point to change the habit. So walk up to the car door.. stop… instead walk to the trunk unlock and put purse there. Then get in the car… your mind has been put to the test, think about what you are doing.. now .. keys in ignition, turn music on,,,, car in motion! As we finished the transaction, she said she was going to give it a try. I walked out of the store and never had another thought about that little chat about cigarettes.

A couple nights ago, wandering my way through those long aisles, wasting time until my plane lands…. a felt a tap on my shoulder. And there stood the above mentioned cashier. She said “Excuse me, I thought it was you! I just want to tell you thank you!” I am totally at a loss, and she must have sensed this, but she continued… “I was the cashier one night when you bought cigarettes for your friend. And you told me you were a non smoker. Well I remember what you told me and I have been making it work! I told myself I can do this and I did! I changed my smoking habit times into little games and it made things a little easier. It was hard at first but I did it!” Her words rushed out and her face just beamed.

And then everything went fuzzy….

Tears flooded my eyes… I felt my heart do the Grinch and swell 5 sizes in my chest. I just stood there, feeling all thick but washed in this wonderful feeling of being part of something bigger than myself. At the moment this all took place, I put it off to pleasant shock. But I have had the most…(well I just can’t say it in a word, but whenever I rerun this altercation in my mind I am swept up in the moment again and a..)  wonderous feeling rushes through me. Which brings me back to that wicked burning question… what’s my purpose again?? Well no matter what that purpose is.. I am finding that on the road to that strange “Whatever” that draws me through this world, I – (me!!) -I make a difference in the lives of others. So no matter how I feel about my lot in life… someone, somewhere took something I said or did and those in turn will do the same without my even knowing. Just how many lives have I touched? I don’t know. I do know that I will not stop talking. Because I am very encouraged that my journey of “touching” others is far from over.

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One question after another, conclusion.

25 questions concluded….

21. The saddest time that shook your world. The death of my Mom. A year ago this past Sunday. By far, one of the hardest years I’ve endured. I’ve wondered many times why her death has hit me so hard… I’ve lost many other important people in my lifetime. She was my Mom. She was my anchor. It’s true I am older but she always kept me grounded and she inspired me with her spunkyness. She was so many things to me. The void is very huge. And I still hurt.

22. The unfulfilled ambition that still haunts you. Throughout my childhood and into my teens, I was going to be a singer. And back then I could sing. Maybe if I hadn’t felt so insecure I might have taken a different path with it. But at that time, my sorry self-esteem did not go well with my teen years. I did a lot of things I shouldn’t have and ran with the wrong people, trying to find some sort of validation. Eventually delving into the world of drugs and mischief, and I didn’t look back for many, many years. The fact that I came out on the other side of the drug use is a wonder, but I did. And that I am fairly undamaged from the abuse to my body, has me perplexed! Unfortunately, the loss of my innocence and the loss of my voice changed that long ago dream.

23. 23 was actually a question I didn’t like. And because I am so mentally challenged at this time, I can’t even make one up.

24. Describe your funeral. I would like for there to be a gathering, just as we did for my Mom. We called it a Celebration of Life Party. Remembering the good times. Yes, there was a lot of crying. Remembering the good times. There was also much laughter. Remembering the good times. Just the way she wanted it. Always remembering the good times, that is how I want it. Simple as that.

25. The way you want to be remembered. That I helped other people realize just how wonderful it is to have life by the ass. Until that last breath… you’re in charge! No matter what the circumstances being alive is awesome. Keep making those good times. =]

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Dear Reader, I will apologize for the lengthy gaps in between posts. Hit a couple of personal road blocks that I had to figure my way around. The detours were plenty. Living the life, I am. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Aside

One question after another…

For the past few months I have wanted to do more blogging, but the words… I just can’t get them to paper without sounding like I’m drowning in misery! I have a few great posts left in me but just can’t hook on the thoughts and bring them to the surface. So instead of forcing it, I am going to try jump-starting in a different direction.

I came across an edition of a TV Guide from a European Sunday newspaper on one of my planes. Since I love to read, I browsed through it. Endless stories about the tv shows that are currently showing. It also included a piece called “The Definite Article”. Where they ask a celebrity (in this case it was Scottish actor Tom Conti) a set “of devilishly probing questions – and will only accept THE definitive answer”. They were 25 very interesting questions, that really had me wondering how I would answer each one. So I am swiping the idea and will answer those same 25 questions myself.

1. The prized possession you value above all others. My car. It represents my freedom. I can get in it at any time and find myself on a new path to anywhere I wish to go. I’ve had many cars over the years… and to each one, belong memories of my life’s adventures. Many of my greatest moments revolve around my travels. Driving has been a passion since I was 18 and I cannot live without that mobility. Whether I was running to, or running away from, something ~ my car has always been my one solid.

2. The unqualified regret you wish you could amend. My first tattoo. I was 13, and I had a crush on a kid who had a tattoo (with me it was always the bad boy… sheesh!). 13 years old and all I heard was – a needle, a pencil and a bottle of indian ink. I’ve covered all of them since then, but the irony here is – that kid with the tattoo that I had the crush on..  he never knew the influence he had on me and he never saw the tattoos I scratched onto my own skin, for him. (**)

3. The way you would spend your fantasy 24 hours, with no travel restrictions. Up with the sun, I’d start with a full breakfast at a street cafe, somewhere on the east coast, maybe Savannah, Georgia, so I can watch the sun rise on the water. I would then spend the afternoon on a clear beach, near the equator, say the Galapagos Islands, with a margarita in each hand, and some of my girl peeps, just laughing and giggling!! Dinner time would find me in Italy, at the table awaiting a huge plate of spaghetti and never-ending supplies of bread and wine. I would wind down the day, behind the wheel of a badass V8 5 speed, with a full tank of gas, windows wide open, music blaring.. zipping along the Autobahn, in Germany. (No speed limits…. ahh what a dream!!) Then to end my fantasy day, I would have a 2 hour massage in a comfortable bed under the stars, somewhere right here in these beautiful United States of America.

4. The temptation you wish you could resist.  Oreo cookies and a glass of ice cold milk. ‘Nuff said…..

5. The book that holds an everlasting resonance. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Published in July 1960. One of a few books I have read more than 20 times. With each read, I find another nuance that I didn’t catch before. The characters, the time and places portrayed here were touchable to me… the southern charm and quality. The heat and humidity. The racism, always wondering about the black/white issues that still prevail, even today. But the low key heroism of Atticus Finch, that is what captured my attention most. His honesty in raising his children. (For that time in history he was a very unconventional single parent.) His humility about life and his backbone. These are the things that drew me to him. The strongest of any other character that I’ve come across, he stood up for what was right, not what was popular. He treated everyone with great respect and gracious honor. His morals about human beings taught me to be open and fair to all I meet. And to remember that we all walk a road that no one else will ever understand. Funny, I’ve just this moment realized I have looked for Atticus Finch in every man I have ever met. wow…  I’m going to have to let my brain chew on that one for a bit…..                 (I’ve often wondered if, because of this book, it’s the reason I find myself so comfortable living in the south…. hmmm  more food for thought! (**) )

It took me a couple days to answer just these first 5… and I still have 20 to go!! So this will be a multiple segment post!! I am discovering a little about myself that even I didn’t realize! Enjoy… it may take a while for me to answer the next 5, try to stay tuned!