I'm how old?

the boundaries that we will cross for it…

the things we will do for it…

we try so hard to achieve it…

I have several friends that are in emotional turmoil. Some who are coming to terms with unsatisfying relationships. Others who will do anything to hold on to something that just isn’t there anymore. I see all of them questioning their every move, every thought, every action. I want to scream – sometimes it’s not about you!  When a partnership fails the first thing we do is find fault with ourselves. Why? Maybe it was the other persons issue, maybe it was just bad timing, maybe the stars weren’t aligned right… who the hell knows? But one thing for sure is we spend so much time in self analyzation that we don’t see that there may have been another side to it.

Acceptance is the key word. Acceptance of ourselves and who we really are, or acceptance of the other party and their baggage.

When I met Del, we were both in such fallen places. Disillusioned. Whooped. I had come out of a 10 year relationship with a man who drank heavily. I married him anyway. Twice. I tried to live a life that didn’t fit me. I tried to be someone I am not. Love be damned. I wasn’t going to take it anymore. On my own nearly a year, I came to understand who and what I am. I am flawed. I grow older. Del was in his own place dealing with a woman who he was considering ‘settling’ for. For the most part they got along, but underlying personality glitches made for an uneasy future. He is flawed. He, too, grows older.

First time I’ve ever been so honest at the beginning of a friendship. We just layed it all out. Our beliefs, our downfalls, our strengths, our insecurities. What did we have to lose? We talked about what we’ve had, what we have and what we want.  We talked about our pasts and our futures. I felt many things at once.. relief, embarrassment, pride, shame, but mostly (and most importantly) I felt acceptance and love.

Don’t misunderstand. We still have issues. But for the very first time, in any relationship I’ve been in, I have complete confidence that he and I will overcome anything that comes our way. I’ve never experienced that before. I think that comes from knowing that there is nothing I have to hide. Nothing I have to explain later. He knows me. He accepts me. Finally. No games. No bullshit. I truly hope that Del is as secure in this as I am. I know him. I accept him as he is. He is a mess. But then so am I.

I said not long after we met that neither of us is perfect, but we are perfectly matched. And so it goes… love is such a crazy thing…