Strange viewpoint from a 50something

Posts tagged ‘love’

Wet cement will eventually harden..

I leave tomorrow for St Louis. I don’t know how I will get through today. Strange how I have written many times about how fast time is going by… yet time seems to be dragging along at a snails pace. I know I am clock watching. Hurrying time to speed by so it will be tomorrow. I need to leave… I need to get on the road… I need to see her… I need my Mom.

Every trauma that has ever occurred in my life there was a call made to Mom. Her soothing voice, her sage advice – it was always there for me to rely on. It’s my turn. The trauma is hers this time. She is coming to the last crossroad of her life. Will my voice be as soothing for her? Will I have any advice, sage or otherwise, to help her? In my mind I am coming up short.

I’ve been thinking so much about her life.. all her years. All that she has been through, and barely a whimper from her. Of all the things she has lived through, I think my Dad’s death was the hardest to endure. She was so lost for so many years after. She buried her parents and all but one of her sisters. She beat breast cancer! She has lived with emphysema for the last 15 years. And through all these events she remained independent and fiesty, she is the mainstay of our lives. A quiet woman, she kept mostly to herself in all those years, always thinking of someone else, not much thought for herself. Her giving nature and selflessness is who she is.

The family dynamic has shifted yet again. This time though it is in my direction. How will I ever be the rock that she was? I don’t know what’s in store for the next few days.. weeks.. but I feel my shoulders already drooping from the weight of guilt, remorse and great loss.

I am my Mother’s daughter,  through all these fears and tears, I will find the strength she has always seen in me.

Hurry up tomorrow.

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I know it’s a part of life, but..

Ironic that it’s raining as I write today. Dreary and dank… exactly how I feel on the inside. My Mom is in the hospital in St Louis and I am here in Alabama. I just returned from St Louis last Monday and she was admitted on Wednesday. It’s bad. I am squirming like a little kid. Restless and listless. Mind is reaching back for another time while it’s also racing forward into the future of unknowns.

She has to wear a breathing mask 24/7. Communication with her is difficult in person, so I haven’t spoken to her directly. I am not doing so well with all this. Most of me wants to drop everything and drive back to be close to her. My job and a lack of funds keep me here until it is a necessity that I be there. Both my siblings are there currently, but my sister returns to her home tomorrow… so that leaves my brother to shoulder most of the stress.

For all the preparation you might do for this..  enevitable… YOU WILL NEVER BE READY!! Heart is heavy with those thoughts of being without her. Most days spent in a kidlike denial that everything’s gonna be ok. The sibs and I have had a few discussions in the last couple days that we have never talked about before –  not to each other, all together, at one time. So this it is becoming real.

I do know the last 5 visits to see her, the decline has been visible to the eye, she struggled more just moving around. Each drive home spent thinking, was this the last time I will see her? Now, she is not in danger of dying right away, but what is happening is not good. I am going to have to grow up and deal with this event without falling apart. My most independent Momma will likely NOT be able to live her life at home alone. She will be very angry when she understands this fact. I, along with the sibs, will have to make very uncomfortable decisions.

I love her. Damn this sucks.

 

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Baby lotion and skinned knees… those were the days =)

The patter of tiny feet. Wispy baby hair tickling my nose as I cuddle them in my arms. The big eyed wonder of their child minds grasping knowledge of something. I have been knee deep in these feelings for the last few days, as I am caring for a good friend of mines granddaughter.

Cora Mae is 16 months and full of little girl LIFE! She has embraced me as a caretaker and I am flooded with feelings I haven’t felt in so many years. (And how strange, yet appropriate, my youngest child – Kyle – today! – just happens to be his 26th birthday, my baby is 26!! ugh.) ((Happy Birthday Squirt!!))

If you know anything about me you’ll know that I didn’t want to have kids, until they happened to me. I’ve known parents who were born to be outstanding role models. I didn’t think I fit into that category. And in spite of the chaotic lifestyle I lead, my kids turned out great! These couple days, I have had the pleasure of being transported to back then ~ when my kids were small and depended on me for everything. The structure (albeit tilted), the love, the physical closeness of their little bodies laying on me, those funny faces, the sheer joy in their eyes, the little kid laughter that only a child possesses, the little arms hugging my neck with all their might, the whispered i love you momma…’s, gosh that time is gone. I have only memories and a few pictures of that childlike innocence. The unconditional love of my children. Shelby and her big brown eyes… my sweet Booboo. Kyle and his blonde curls…  my little protector. Those two special little faces right in front of me… bumpin’ noses… laughin’.. kissin’… huggin’… snugglin’. I loved them. I still love them.

My kids are grown and have lives and kids of their own. But that doesn’t change how I am connected to them. In my mind they are still the tiny creatures I nurtured into adults. Life isn’t fair… couldn’t they have stayed smaller just a little longer?

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love is such a crazy thing…

the boundaries that we will cross for it…

the things we will do for it…

we try so hard to achieve it…

 

I have several friends that are in emotional turmoil. Some who are coming to terms with unsatisfying relationships. Others who will do anything to hold on to something that just isn’t there anymore. I see all of them questioning their every move, every thought, every action. I want to scream – sometimes it’s not about you!  When a partnership fails the first thing we do is find fault with ourselves. Why? Maybe it was the other persons issue, maybe it was just bad timing, maybe the stars weren’t aligned right… who the hell knows? But one thing for sure is we spend so much time in self analyzation that we don’t see that there may have been another side to it.

Acceptance is the key word. Acceptance of ourselves and who we really are, or acceptance of the other party and their baggage.

When I met Del, we were both in such fallen places. Disillusioned. Whooped. I had come out of a 10 year relationship with a man who drank heavily. I married him anyway. Twice. I tried to live a life that didn’t fit me. I tried to be someone I am not. Love be damned. I wasn’t going to take it anymore. On my own nearly a year, I came to understand who and what I am. I am flawed. I grow older. Del was in his own place dealing with a woman who he was considering ‘settling’ for. For the most part they got along, but underlying personality glitches made for an uneasy future. He is flawed. He, too, grows older.

First time I’ve ever been so honest at the beginning of a friendship. We just layed it all out. Our beliefs, our downfalls, our strengths, our insecurities. What did we have to lose? We talked about what we’ve had, what we have and what we want.  We talked about our pasts and our futures. I felt many things at once.. relief, embarrassment, pride, shame, but mostly (and most importantly) I felt acceptance and love.

Don’t misunderstand. We still have issues. But for the very first time, in any relationship I’ve been in, I have complete confidence that he and I will overcome anything that comes our way. I’ve never experienced that before. I think that comes from knowing that there is nothing I have to hide. Nothing I have to explain later. He knows me. He accepts me. Finally. No games. No bullshit. I truly hope that Del is as secure in this as I am. I know him. I accept him as he is. He is a mess. But then so am I.

I said not long after we met that neither of us is perfect, but we are perfectly matched. And so it goes… love is such a crazy thing…

 

 

 

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