Strange viewpoint from a 50something

Archive for September, 2012

I know it’s a part of life, but..

Ironic that it’s raining as I write today. Dreary and dank… exactly how I feel on the inside. My Mom is in the hospital in St Louis and I am here in Alabama. I just returned from St Louis last Monday and she was admitted on Wednesday. It’s bad. I am squirming like a little kid. Restless and listless. Mind is reaching back for another time while it’s also racing forward into the future of unknowns.

She has to wear a breathing mask 24/7. Communication with her is difficult in person, so I haven’t spoken to her directly. I am not doing so well with all this. Most of me wants to drop everything and drive back to be close to her. My job and a lack of funds keep me here until it is a necessity that I be there. Both my siblings are there currently, but my sister returns to her home tomorrow… so that leaves my brother to shoulder most of the stress.

For all the preparation you might do for this..  enevitable… YOU WILL NEVER BE READY!! Heart is heavy with those thoughts of being without her. Most days spent in a kidlike denial that everything’s gonna be ok. The sibs and I have had a few discussions in the last couple days that we have never talked about before –  not to each other, all together, at one time. So this it is becoming real.

I do know the last 5 visits to see her, the decline has been visible to the eye, she struggled more just moving around. Each drive home spent thinking, was this the last time I will see her? Now, she is not in danger of dying right away, but what is happening is not good. I am going to have to grow up and deal with this event without falling apart. My most independent Momma will likely NOT be able to live her life at home alone. She will be very angry when she understands this fact. I, along with the sibs, will have to make very uncomfortable decisions.

I love her. Damn this sucks.

 

Category:

Uncategorized

Tagged with:

Baby lotion and skinned knees… those were the days =)

The patter of tiny feet. Wispy baby hair tickling my nose as I cuddle them in my arms. The big eyed wonder of their child minds grasping knowledge of something. I have been knee deep in these feelings for the last few days, as I am caring for a good friend of mines granddaughter.

Cora Mae is 16 months and full of little girl LIFE! She has embraced me as a caretaker and I am flooded with feelings I haven’t felt in so many years. (And how strange, yet appropriate, my youngest child – Kyle – today! – just happens to be his 26th birthday, my baby is 26!! ugh.) ((Happy Birthday Squirt!!))

If you know anything about me you’ll know that I didn’t want to have kids, until they happened to me. I’ve known parents who were born to be outstanding role models. I didn’t think I fit into that category. And in spite of the chaotic lifestyle I lead, my kids turned out great! These couple days, I have had the pleasure of being transported to back then ~ when my kids were small and depended on me for everything. The structure (albeit tilted), the love, the physical closeness of their little bodies laying on me, those funny faces, the sheer joy in their eyes, the little kid laughter that only a child possesses, the little arms hugging my neck with all their might, the whispered i love you momma…’s, gosh that time is gone. I have only memories and a few pictures of that childlike innocence. The unconditional love of my children. Shelby and her big brown eyes… my sweet Booboo. Kyle and his blonde curls…  my little protector. Those two special little faces right in front of me… bumpin’ noses… laughin’.. kissin’… huggin’… snugglin’. I loved them. I still love them.

My kids are grown and have lives and kids of their own. But that doesn’t change how I am connected to them. In my mind they are still the tiny creatures I nurtured into adults. Life isn’t fair… couldn’t they have stayed smaller just a little longer?

Category:

Uncategorized

Tagged with: