I'm how old?

I’ve been afraid to write. My thoughts so choked up in my brain, I feel like I’m in a constant spin. So begins the next chapter… and the absence of Mom in my life. While in St Louis, I was able to keep most of my thoughts and feelings under wraps. Because we kept busy. I truly think that’s what got me/us through was just diving in and taking care of business.

I’ve been crying alot. Everyday, in fact, since she died. Randomly. Over..   nothing. My heart is still so heavy with the loss of her. I knew it was coming. I knew she was going to die. But the little girl me just didn’t want to think about it…  about how I would feel.. or how I would deal with her gone. I guess that’s true denial.

At the end of our last stay in Mom’s house, we whizzed through taking care of her things. As hard and painful as the reason for us doing this was, I’ll say it was wonderful to spend time with the sibs. Before Mom became sick, our time together was always very fleeting. All of us busy with life and it’s dramas. When Mom first became sick this time the 3 of us did get to spend more than a few days together. We were pulled together, that sibling bond that we hadn’t felt in many years.

Each of us had the opportunity to spend time taking “our turn” caring for Mom. So grateful for that. For most of the time I spent with her, she remained fiesty as ever. Every night, I would hug her and she would say… “I love you… Thank you for taking care of me.” When I kissed her goodbye, to return home until my next shift, I never sensed it would be the last time I would get to love on her. I held fast to that hopeful little girl heart that takes residence in my chest.

The lonely drive home thinking of fragments of time I cannot let go of and wishing  for so many that I no longer remember. And in a car overstuffed with treasures and trinkets of my Mom’s life. All weigh heavy as I realized how we, in the end, come down to things. I suddenly felt that none of it matters…she is gone. Each item so important at the moment I was sure it would help me fill the hole in my soul. But it does not. I need to focus on who and what Mom is to me. She was a powerfully independent woman. She had grit. She would not approve of this shutdown I’m in.